A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
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This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…