My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe鈥檚 and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn鈥檛 want to talk about work 馃槄
You Might Also Like
wish me luck lads
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
gonorrhea would鈥檝e been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
i hate daylight savings. it鈥檚 gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Interior design 馃憣
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let鈥檚 go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you鈥檝e made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I鈥檓 deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird鈥檚 head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Listen, I鈥檓 not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I鈥檇 follow it to my demise
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no