Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
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(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Cinematography is my passion
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running