What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
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Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie