idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG