Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.