*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
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Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
TODAY
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.