Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
#ProTip