My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?