I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay