Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Lmfaoooooo
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.