Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
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ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!