Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
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Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?