Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
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A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
There’s always that one guy
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
idk what this dog had been going through but same
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
my professor scared me for a second
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.