“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
How I like cutting carbs
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Bless you
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said