Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat