“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Husband of the year 😂
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.