Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
If you’re testing me, we failed.
damn he’s good
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My first son he is wonderful
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.