M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
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Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.