Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
as is their right