Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Children of the corn 🌽
Lmfaoooooo
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?