Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…