Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆