Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You Might Also Like
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Teach your children to beatbox
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Kermit goes Blue.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.