Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
You wish you had this many chins.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.