Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
this FaceApp is creepy af
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain