My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
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“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
#Thanos #MondayMood
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.