5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Breaking news:
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.