Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
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Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital