I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”