A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
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I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.