Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.