I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
A family that plays together cheats.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten