I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
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Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.