Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Dolls on drugs
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Any refunds available?…
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
me as a parent
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up