When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Mistakes were made
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes