*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
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I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
So sick of all these stupid rules
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
That’s not how days work.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I triple waxed for this?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me