(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
How do dragons blow out candles?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Good point.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
are they though??
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”