Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me