Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
The opposite of goth is stopth.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.