My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played