In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
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Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.