Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
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Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”