Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Wednesday
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.