I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
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A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.