facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
You Might Also Like
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
hey, alexa
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …