THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
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[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.