him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
bury ourselves
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.