Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done