Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
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You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.